The Tragic Tale of Humphrey the Pig

I have finally gotten around to writing the tale of Humphrey. It is very tragic though, so beware.

One sunny day in April, Humphrey the pig set out for a walk across the Yellow Plains. Humphrey had trouble navigating the plains, for alas, he had no legs. Another strange feature was his odd color. He was a blueish green with turquoise ears and tail.

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On this particular April day, Humphrey decided to head north east instead of heading north west like he usually did. He had been walking (although you could hardly call his movement ‘walking’) for about ten minutes when he came upon a small heap of tinfoil. The heap had a flag on top of it that said “ISSES®“.

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Humphrey noted that the tinfoil heap smelled of chocolate. Wondering what the smell could be coming from, he leaned his weight against the tinfoil, causing it to fall the ground.

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Suddenly a gear started to spin in Humphrey’s small brain and he realized that this was a Hershey Kiss. He had never encountered one so large before! The biggest he had seen was one the size of his snout.

Humphrey didn’t dwell on the size of the Hershey Kiss for long. He quickly peeled away the foil to reveal luscious chocolate – enough to feed the whole population of LGCPA (Little Green Clay Pigs of America) for at least a week. (Though Humphrey was the only member of the LGCPA, he had a large appetite. Especially when it concerned chocolate.)

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Humphrey took a large bite of the Hershey Kiss. It was the best chocolate he had ever tasted.

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But he almost spat the chocolate-y goodness out when the Hershey Kiss righted it self, opened it’s eyes, and screamed a blood-curdling scream. This was all quite traumatizing for poor Humphrey who had no idea that the (1) the Hershey kiss was alive, (2) the Hershey Kiss had eyes, and (3) the Hershey Kiss could scream. His small brain picked up on this quickly though, and he began slowly backing away.

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He was stopped in his tracks by what he thought was an earthquake. The Yellow Plains shook and loud rumblings filled the air. But the worst was yet to come. In seconds, the rumblings ceased as a gargantuan mound of silvery foil – twice as big as the Hershey Kiss that Humphrey had bitten – came into view.

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Humphrey leaned back to get a better view of the colossal mound and saw that it was another huge Hershey Kiss. He started shaking in fright as he stared at the huge hunk of chocolate.

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The Hershey Kiss sent down a terrible paper-y tentacle and wrapped it tightly around Humphrey. It was able to do this because Humphrey was rooted to the ground in fear. He also had a small brain, as I have mentioned before.

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The Hershey Kiss lifted Humphrey up until he was level with it’s face. Then it opened its eyes (Humphrey still didn’t understand how the eyes had popped out of nowhere) and said in a loud voice, “LEAVE MY SON ALONE!”

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And with that, it turned and headed away, carrying Humphrey with it.

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Later that evening, the smaller Hershey Kiss sat down to delicious supper of bacon. An odd color, no doubt, but delicious nonetheless.

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And that is how the LGCPA came to an end.
megan signoff

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